ODAT: August

Here are what I find to be the most useful quotations from the August pages of One Day at at Time in Al-Anon:

For we know perfectly well—admit it or not—that we’d be taking our troubles with us. We can’t run away from ourselves.

Isn’t this clear proof that many of our troubles are self-created—many of our personal agonies self-inflicted?

A big step toward maturing is to realize that I cannot change conditions by running away from them. I can only change my point of view about them and their relation to me—and this can be done only by changing myself.

The Al-Anon slogans are little pieces of advice. If we were entirely capable of putting them all into practice, we’d be pretty close to perfection as spiritual human beings.

Live and Let Live. A whole philosophy of life is condensed into these four words. First we are admonished to live—to live fully, richly, happily, and to fulfill our destiny with the joy that comes from doing well whatever we do.

Let Live. This means acknowledging the right of every other human being to live as he wants to, without criticism or judgment from us. It rules out contempt for those who do not think as we do. It warns against resentment; tells us to avoid construing other people’s actions as intentional injuries to us.

When my thoughts are centered on learning to live, I will be less tempted to involve my mind with the thoughts of how others live.

Sometimes I find myself so busy wondering what someone else is doing, and where and why, that my own thoughts create turmoil inside me.

I must not forget that my first obligation is to work out changes in my own thinking patterns.

I can change nothing but myself.

If things are going wrong—or seem to be—maybe it’s because of the way I’m reacting to them.

If I accept the fact that the principal source of my unhappiness is in me, I’ll be giving myself a good reason to do something about me.

My happiness cannot possibly depend on my forcing changes in somebody else.

Nor does my misery come from anyone but myself.

One source of frustration we seldom recognize is in expecting too much of others or expecting too specifically what we feel they ought to be, say, give or do.

I will not set a pattern based on my own experience and wishes—and expect someone else to live up to it.

What we get from our association with Al-Anon depends pretty much on what we put into it.

Al-Anon points the way, but we must take the road.

Al-Anon provides the tools, but we must use them.

This is a day which God has given into my hands.

I would not look back over my shoulder at the disappointments of the past—I would not anxiously contemplate the future. I would live—Just for Today—as well as I can.

Today there are wonders all around me, if I will open my eyes and enjoy them.

The more tightly I clutch my problems to my mind, the less opportunity I give God to help me work them out.

The more tensely and desperately I try to solve them, the more the answers elude me.

I will let go and let God. If I can’t solve my difficulty, perhaps He will, if I can only let go and let Him.

We hear it said that Al-Anon members do not give each other advice. This refers specifically to the kind of advice that suggests taking drastic action to bring about a radical change in a marriage relationship. This we do not—and must not—do.

In other ways, we in Al-Anon give a great deal of advice. We suggest looking into ourselves for the causes of our problems; we advise dependence on God’s guidance. We recommend lots of Al-Anon reading, the study of the Twelve Steps and the slogans. We suggest spiritual ways to find a new perspective and new strength, and share our personal experience in applying them.

I know that constructive action can be taken only after I have lifted my thoughts and emotions out of their confused state.

If any man among you seem to be religious and bridleth not his tongue, he deceiveth his own heart

The stroke of the tongue breaketh the bones. Weigh thy words in a balance and make a door and a bar for thy mouth. Envy and wrath shorten the life.

Let me reflect how much damage I may have done, and may still do, by saying the first thing that comes to mind.

Be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath, for the truth of man worketh not the righteousness of God.

My obvious impulse is to try to manipulate the things and people around me into being more acceptable to me.

Do I argue, rage and weep to make my spouse behave in a way that I think will make me happier? Happiness isn’t won that way.

Freedom from despair and frustration can come only from changing, in myself, the attitudes that are maintaining the conditions that cause me grief.

I have the power to set myself free by conquering the personal shortcomings that chain me to my problems. And not the least of these is the short-sightedness that has made me refuse to accept responsibility for the way I am.

It is difficult to overcome the habit of setting standards for our spouses and expecting them to be followed.

I must teach myself to leave my partner to God and to his friends in AA.

I must learn not to expect or demand.

I will look for, and appreciate, his positive and desirable actions, and not concentrate on the negative.

I must, in other words, do something constructive about my own attitude.

I will not look for perfection in another person until I have attained perfection myself.

Since I know this will never be, let me learn to accept things as they are, and stop manipulating them into changing.

Thou must learn to renounce thy own will in many things, if thou wilt keep peace and concord with others.

We suffer more than we need to, and often, perhaps, because we want to.

Many of us reopen old wounds by dwelling on the past—what “he or she did last week or last year.”

Many of us live in needless dread of what tomorrow will bring.

Many of our frustrations come from not making the most of ourselves and getting out of life what it has to give, ready and waiting for us to accept.

Although we come into Al-Anon to deal with a specific problem, we do not always realize that developing ourselves could be the answer, not only to the problem of living with alcoholism, but to others as well.

The solutions rest with me.

With the help of my Higher Power, I can adorn my life with comfort, serenity and enjoyment.

It does not depend on any other person, and the sooner I accept this fact, the sooner I will be able to face myself realistically.

People can affect me only as I allow them to.

I need not be influenced by others, for I am free to consult my own wishes and standards, and decide what is best for me.

I find I can realize my own strength and confidence by working faithfully with the Al-Anon program, and using it in my daily life.

Does the voice of God have a chance to be heard over my angry shouting?

What is the purpose of letting myself fly apart in reckless tantrums?

I cannot punish anyone without punishing myself.

The release of my tensions, even if it seems justified, leaves dregs of bitterness behind.

Some of us had a long list of grievances against the alcoholic, especially while the drinking was still active.

The worst possible thing we can do is to remember them, dwell on them, and polish up our halos of martyrdom.

The very best we can do is to erase them from memory, so each new day becomes an opportunity to make things better.

It is not my assignment to keep an inventory of my spouse’s faults and misbehaviors.

My task is to watch for my own [faults and misbehaviors] and root them out, so that what I say and do will help to make things better for me and for my family.

Storing up grievances is more than a waste of time; it’s a waste of life that could be lived to greater satisfaction.

If I keep a record of oppressions and indignities, I am restoring them to painful reality.

I’ve found they’re surprisingly easy to forget, once I start using the Al-Anon program each day.

“The horror of that moment,” the King said, “I shall never, never forget.” “You will, though,” said the Queen, “if you don’t make a memorandum of it.” (Lewis Carroll: Through the Looking Glass)

I never want to forget that my spouse, with whatever faults he or she may have, is a child of God, and is therefore entitled to my respect and consideration.

I will guard against assuming the role of judge and punisher, for I cannot destroy another person without inflicting great damage on myself.

Another member answers: “You’re treating him like a baby in a playpen—watching him perform—deciding what he ought to be doing. Who put you in charge of your husband? Why do you think you know what’s right for him? Accept the fact that he’s trying, and let him find his sobriety in his own way.”

If I’m on the wrong track, I want to know it so I can correct my faulty attitude.

Others can often see our problems more clearly than we can, and from that we get our best help.

Teach me to think straight, and not to take offense at criticism which is meant as loving guidance.

If I believe that it is hopeless to expect any improvement in my life, I am doubting the power of God.

If I believe I have reason for despair, I am confessing personal failure, for I do have the power to change myself, and nothing can prevent it but my own unwillingness.

Never let me imagine that my satisfaction with life depends on what someone else may do. This is a thinking error I can get rid of in Al-Anon.

I can learn to avail myself of the immense, inexhaustible power of God, if I am willing to be continually conscious of God’s nearness.

I am not at the mercy of a cruel or capricious fate, for I have the power to determine what my life will be.

I am not alone. I have the confidence and faith of all Al-Anon to support my efforts, as it is expressed by the loving concern and help of the friends in my group.

I am not alone, because God is with me whenever I make myself aware of Him.

To be without hope is to deny the wonderful possibilities of the future.

If a sharp thorn or a splinter pierces my hand, what do I do? I remove it as quickly as I can. Surely I wouldn’t leave it there, hurting me, until it festered and sent its infection throughout my body. Yet what do I do with the thorns of resentment and hatred when they pierce my thoughts? Do I leave them there and watch them grow, while I suffer increasingly from the pain?

… I will take all the steps necessary to free my mind from painful thoughts and emotions. The best way to do this is not by grimly exerting will power, but by replacing those hurting ideas with thoughts of love and gratitude.

Thou has not half the power to do me harm, as I have to be hurt.

Do we behave in this cheerful way at home, or do we automatically put on our martyr-face?

Will I try—really try—from now on, to be pleasant and a bit gay, even when things aren’t going my way?

Am I afraid to let those around me know I do have some reasons to be happy, or do I want everybody to feel sorry for me?

…that thou art happy, thou owest to God; that thou continuest such, thou owest to thyself.

Somewhere along the line, in our study of the Al-Anon program, we reach a sharp realization of the growth value of honesty and candor.

When this happens, one of the first things we are able to admit is that our behavior, like that of the alcoholic, has been far from sane and reasonable. When we can do this, without shame or embarrassment, we seem to break free of a hampering shell.

I know I can make even greater strides in fulfilling myself, for Al-Anon is a philosophy, a way of life; I will never outgrow the need for it.

Have I ever accomplished anything good while my emotions were churning with hysteria?

Am I aware that reacting on impulse—saying the first thing that pops into my head—defeats my own purposes?

I couldn’t lose by stopping to think: Easy does it.

Wouldn’t any crisis shrink to manageable size if I could wait a little while to figure out what is best to do?

Unless I’m sure I’m pouring oil on troubled waters, and not on a raging fire, it might be best to do and say nothing until things calm down.

… the problem is not his, but hers, and does not have to affect his life as an individual.

Too often I take the alcoholic’s struggles unto myself and feel that I should be able to do something about them. When I find myself slipping into this God-like attitude, I’ll do a little concentrating on the First Step—“admitted we were powerless….”

Why art thou troubled because things do not succeed with thee according to thy desire? Who is there who hath all things according to his will? Neither I, nor thou, nor any man upon earth.

“Whenever I had a tantrum, my mother would say very quietly: ‘You’re forgetting yourself, dear; modulate your voice and then it won’t hurt so much.’ That always brought me up short and made me ashamed.”

If I remember the kind of person I want to be, I won’t forget myself and yield to an angry surge of temper.

I will remember to modulate my voice—quiet always sets the stage for calm.

How many of my frustrations and disappointments come from expecting too much! It is good to set our standards high, but only if we are prepared to accept, with unperturbed serenity, results that fall short of what we expect.

We expect more of the alcoholic than a sick, confused human can deliver.

Once he is sober, we expect a complete transformation.

Above all, we make too great demands on ourselves.

Let me learn to settle for less than I wish were possible, and be willing to accept it and appreciate it.

I will not expect too much of anyone, not even of myself.

Contentment comes from accepting gratefully the good that comes to us, and not from raging at life because it is not better.

What you have may seem small; you desire so much more. See children thrusting their hands into a narrow-necked jar, striving to pull out the sweets. If they fill the hand, they cannot pull it out and then they fall to tears. When they let go a few, they can draw out the rest. You, too, let your desire go; covet not too much.

Is my present frame of mind, whether of anger, bitterness or confusion, one in which I can make a wise choice?

Have I yielded too readily to friendly advice, well-meant, but based on only limited knowledge of all the factors?

One of the things we learn in Al-Anon is that the kind of a day it is does not depend on the weather, but on our attitudes and reactions to what’s happening.

We can make every day a nice day.

I will make up my mind to be cheerful every waking moment of this day.

I will not expect too much; this will shield me from being annoyed at little things that don’t go just the way I wanted them to.

I will try to accomplish something specific, perhaps some chore I have long been putting off.

I will wear a pleasant smile for everyone I meet today.