ODAT: May

Here are what I find to be the most useful quotations from the May pages of One Day at at Time in Al-Anon:

‘Come in and let me make you a cup of tea.’ At his astonished look, she explained, ‘My mother taught me, when I was a little girl, that when anything very dreadful happens, I must think of what I would be doing if it had not happened, and then do that.’

In a sense, everything that happens to me is a gift from God. I may resent disappointments, rebel against a series of misfortunes which I regard as unmerited punishment. Yet in time I may come to understand that these can be considered gifts of enlightenment. They teach me that many of my punishments are self-inflicted. In some way unfathomable to my human intelligence, my suffering could be the consequence of my own attitudes, actions or neglects.

God has given us the faculties by which we are able to bear what comes to pass without being crushed or depressed thereby. Why then do we sit and moan and groan, blind to the Giver, making no acknowledgment to Him, but giving ourselves to complaints?

Nevertheless, our first concern is our own improvement. For this reason we do not discuss the actions and faults of our spouses, but confine ourselves to overcoming the tensions and anxieties of our own situations. … In our group discussions we avoid long recitals about the misbehavior of the alcoholic, because they do not promote our growth.

We help best by inspiring people to think through and solve their own problems. Otherwise we deprive them of the opportunity to develop experience and strength from working things out for themselves.

The gifts of Al-Anon are not without a price tag; freedom, for example, can only be achieved by paying the price we call acceptance. If we can accept the First Step, we are set free from the need to control the alcoholic. If we can surrender to God’s guidance, it will cost us our self-will, so precious to us who have always thought we could dominate. It is up to us to decide whether freedom from our despair is worth all this. Most of us believe it is.

The suffering is real, but we wonder how much of the hurt is self-inflicted. It may be caused by the wife’s stubborn refusal to let go of her control of the drinker. Or she may unknowingly distort and exaggerate what the alcoholic says and does.

We blame little things in others and pass over great things in ourselves; we are quick enough in perceiving and weighing what we suffer from others, but we mind not what others suffer from us.

We make trouble for ourselves when we interfere with the alcoholic’s activities, trying to find out where he is, what he’s been doing, where the money went. Suspicion, searching and prying will only keep us in a state of turmoil, and make the situation worse, instead of improving it.

I will stop wondering what to do about the alcoholic, and think about myself. What can I do to improve my life, to restore myself to full citizenship in the world?

Al-Anon tells me that complete acceptance of my powerlessness to change the alcoholic can, indeed, create a new life for me. When I really let go and stop playing God, things will begin to happen.

When I am depressed and apprehensive, it’s a great help to call my sponsor or another group friend to talk things over. But I want to be very clear on what I am looking for. Do I want comfort and a straightening out of my thinking?

I cannot saddle someone else with the responsibility of telling me what to do. No one can make my decisions for me. That is my responsibility, and if it seems too heavy for me, I will call on my Higher Power for guidance. I will meditate and pray, and keep my mind open for the answers.

When I feel I must take a radical and irrevocable step, shouldn’t I make sure I am not motivated by resentment, hatred, anger? I will remind myself that, once having taken a radical step, there is no turning back. Should I not try again, with the help of God and Al-Anon, to improve my own capacity for dealing with my problems?

We all learn, sooner or later, that [Al-Anon] can be applied to all facets of life, now and always.

But her husband kept on drinking. It was the only way the poor man could escape from the Terrible Domestic Powerhouse.

I will not give reality to trouble that may never come.

Sometimes an over-eager newcomer asks a number of people for advice about a problem or is forever calling up various members to get their views on her troubles. For her there is one good piece of advice: “Get yourself one sponsor, and stop confusing yourself by trying to coordinate too many opinions.”

We can do it, though, if we learn to use the leverage of God’s help. It is always with us, ready to give us the lift we need. What happens then is that we are enabled to see beyond what seems to be. In Al-Anon, we call this getting a perspective on our troubles, instead of pinpointing our thoughts on the trouble.

Whatever may happen today, I will think of it as a challenge which I am well able to meet. If it is good, I will receive it gratefully as a special gift. If it is not good, I will deal with it as well as I can, knowing it will pass if I do not let it overwhelm me. I will not let the good make me complacent, nor will I allow the not good to drown me in despair.

We have often been told in Al-Anon that the alcoholic’s behavior toward the family is actually the backlash from his or her own guilt and self-hatred.

Detaching our minds from the problem can truly promote our spiritual growth, and lessen the unrecognized personal guilt we carry around within us. It can lift the mind away from the partner’s doings.

I just figured out that it all boils down to four words: Mind Your Own Business.

I will concentrate on the things that are my concern— and make sure which really are mine. I will keep hands off the business of others. I will not interfere with the alcoholic’s activities, assume his responsibilities or shield him from the consequences of what he does.

When you are offended at anyone’s fault, turn to yourself and study your own failings. 

Our role is to allow the inevitable consequences to overtake the unhappy drinker, as they surely will if we keep ourselves from doing anything to prevent it. The trouble that finally faces the alcoholic will be of his own making.