Here are what I find to be the most useful quotations from the July pages of One Day at at Time in Al-Anon:
“This I learned in Al-Anon,” says a member at a meeting,
“that the man I married cannot be the source of my happiness or sorrow. The
gift of life is personally mine—as his life belongs to him—to enjoy or destroy,
as each of us wishes.”
“I am not his guide, master or keeper. We are individuals
and must each find our lonely way to our goals. My sources of comfort and
strength he refuses to share with me; I have learned through bitter experience
that it is fruitless to offer them.”
Adjusting myself to things as they are, and being able to
love without trying to interfere with or control anyone else, however close to
me—that is what I search for and can find in Al-Anon.
“If thou attend to thyself and to God, thou wilt be little
moved by what thou perceivest outside thee.” (Thomas à Kempis)
“I’ll only be able to help others when I have allowed
Al-Anon to clear up my own view of my problems.”
The poet Henley, in his challenging poem called Invictus,
says: “I am the master of my fate, I am the captain of my soul.” The first
thing I notice is that he speaks of “my fate,” “my soul.” If I have been
behaving as though I were captain and master of anyone else, wouldn’t it be a
good idea to turn my attention to managing myself?
God will take a hand in my life if I ask for His guidance,
and keep myself receptive to indications of His will for me. Before Al-Anon I
took too much on myself in trying to engineer solutions. Now I know I can only
make right decisions by referring my problems to Him.
I will learn not to expect too much too soon, and above all,
not to expect that sobriety will transform my spouse into a super-perfect human
being, tailored to my specifications.
“No great improvements are possible in the lot of mankind
until a change takes place in their modes of thought.”
What’s so important about being right? Why do we complicate
our lives and aggravate our difficulties by insisting our views be accepted?
Why should I react to criticism and accusation, justified or
not? What can I gain by heated denials and irrational discussions? In a
neurotic environment, anything can start a row. I need not take part in it; I
will ignore it—cheerfully if I can.
It is an interesting experiment, and an enlightening one, to
listen to the voices at an Al-Anon meeting—not so much what they’re saying, but
how. The very sound and inflection can reveal the speakers’ hidden attitudes.
An Al-Anon meeting is a great place to observe how various
people react to their circumstances. Those who have the most to be grateful for
often grumble and complain. Others, living desperate and even tragic lives,
somehow keep cheerful and manage to get some joy out of what little they do
have.
Oddly enough, I have found that a deliberate effort to
“laugh it off” does have the most astonishing results in shrinking my woes down
to bearable size.
Just for today, I will be happy. This assumes to be true
what Abraham Lincoln said: ‘Most folks are as happy as they make up their minds
to be.’
It is a vain and unprofitable thing to conceive either grief
or joy for future things which perhaps will never come about.
Let go of your clutching hold on the problem. Let go and let
the Divine Power, which works in all things, work in this, too.
If I am powerless over alcohol, my only reasonable course is
to Live and Let Live—to learn to live my own life fully and to let others live
theirs. Or, more simply, to mind my own business.
Right now, today, I will lighten my burden by dropping that
part of it which does not belong to me. Today I will look more closely at my
thoughts and impulses, and take only such action as is required of me.
Keep thyself first in peace and then thou wilt be able to
bring others to peace. Have, therefore, a zeal in the first place over thyself
…
It is not mere chance that brought me to Al-Anon. I was led
to it by an unknown power because of my need for the sharing and comfort of
others like me.
To express my gratitude for this gift I will assume certain
responsibilities … not to take up the group’s time talking about my problems,
but to try to make everything I say reflect an Al-Anon teaching which will have
meaning for those who hear me.
The only force that can change the alcoholic’s pattern is
the pressure that builds up inside him when the family refuses to react any
longer. When he can’t count on your helping him, when you won’t assuage his
guilt by fighting with him, and you refuse to get him out of trouble then he’ll
be compelled to face up to things. In other words, try inaction instead of
constantly figuring out something to do about him.
God helps those who don’t try to take over His work.
Complacency simply means being sure we’re right, taking it
for granted that our view couldn’t possibly be wrong. It means judging others
by what we think is right. It blocks out understanding and kindness, and
justifies qualities in ourselves that we wouldn’t find tolerable in other
people.
Let me not be quite so sure that my thinking is always
correct.
Let me begin by being a little critical of my iron
resolution to have things my way.
I will keep my ears and my mind open to the ideas of others,
even when they don’t square with mine.
My serenity does not depend on my winning every round in my
battle with life. It does depend on my acceptance of others on their own terms.
We come to Al-Anon, however, not to take inventory of
others, but of ourselves. It is because we, too, are immature individuals that
we are attracted to alcoholics as marriage partners—a sort of child calling to
child.
Wrangling with the alcoholic over petty matters is immature.
So are sulking and tears and devious tricks to outwit him.
A man is relieved and gay when he has put his heart into his
work and done his best; but what he has said or done otherwise shall give him
no peace.
Member A is explaining how an Al-Anon idea can be applied to
B’s problem. B, interrupting, says: ‘Yes, but …’ and proceeds to show how
different her case is, and how much worse than others, and that it couldn’t
possibly be solved by anything as simple as applying a Step or a slogan, for
example.”
Wanting to know why the alcoholic drinks or, when sober, why
he does what he does, is “an itch for which there is no scratch.” Some of us
never get over trying to figure it out. Since we’re not psychiatrists, our
researches are bound to end in frustration, so let’s accept it as impossible—
and also unimportant.
What is important, and within our God-given powers to figure
out, is what we are doing that confuses and complicates life for us. When we
discover that, and do something to change it, a good many of our troubles will
vanish.
Leave off that excessive desire of knowing; therein is found
much distraction. There are many things the knowledge of which is of little or
no profit to the soul.
Al-Anon runs—like the little wheel in the old song—by the
grace of God.
An Al-Anon member may devote a lot of time to reading
scientific books on alcoholism because she imagines it will make her better
able to cope with “the problem.” Unless we intend to become professionals in
the field, nothing is to be gained by an in-depth study of the disease.
Nor does it help to explore the reasons for the alcoholic’s
behavior; certainly not while our own conduct shows we are not entirely
rational. So, again, all change must begin with us.
“How much trouble he avoids who does not look to see what
others say or do, but only what he does himself, that it may be just and pure.”
When my spirit is in turmoil and my troubled thoughts race
round and round, and I try to reason myself out of this frame of mind, it may
be well to stop reasoning and hold fast to a single idea that speaks of quiet
and serenity. One such is: Keep It Simple.
I will not rehash, over and over, thoughts so bitter that
they can make me feel physically ill. I will empty my mind of all this
perplexity and hold to just one simple thought while I wait for God’s guidance.
Under the shadow of Thy wing shall be my refuge until this
tyranny be overpast.
When we continue to nag and domineer, complain and
criticize, we are assuming, in large measure, the responsibility for deferred
sobriety, and for slips from sobriety. … As we abandon the role of accuser,
judge and manager, the home climate shows marked improvement.
When we’re told the advantages of studying the Twelve Steps,
reading the literature, attending meetings, we may think: “They’re always
giving me something to do!” But all the things suggested in Al-Anon are for our
benefit—precisely to make life more pleasant and livable.
I can persuade myself to be quiet by realizing that angry
words cannot touch me unless I allow them to.
If a wrathful explosion on the alcoholic’s part seems aimed
at me, I will understand that it may only express his own guilt; I will not
allow this to be shifted to my shoulders.
How many waking hours are there in this day? What will I do
with them? Today, this day, is all the time I have to do anything with, so I
will use it with care. I will not waste a moment of it worrying about
yesterdays; nor will I let a thought of dread for tomorrow cross my mind.
I will use this time for my essential duties, perhaps
tackling the hard ones first so I won’t be tempted to “put off until tomorrow.”
I will plan some little time for enjoyment and relaxation, and some, even if
only ten minutes, for solitary meditation and prayer.
This day belongs to me. I can do wonderful things with it,
creative things, including the creation of order in my surroundings and in my
mind.
Nobody else owns my particular segment of time, so it
depends only on me how well I will fill every moment to my satisfaction.
I must learn to accept myself as I am. Everything good I can bring about must begin with that.
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