ODAT: September

Here are what I find to be the most useful quotations from the September pages of One Day at at Time in Al-Anon:

Dwelling on our troubles only shuts out a world that is waiting to be enjoyed.

Nothing has real power to deprive us of the delights to be found in many daily experiences—even a routine household task, well done.

I may have big troubles but I can, if I will, make them less painful by turning my thoughts to happier things.

I will observe and enjoy what is good and pleasant in the world around me.

The time has come for me to realize that my attitude, toward the life I am living and the people in it, can have a tangible, measurable effect on what happens to me day by day.

If I am expectant of good, it will surely come to me.

What am I doing that creates difficulties for me or aggravates the ones I have?

Could it be that I’m trying to fix everything by finding fault with somebody else?

In Al-Anon I am encouraged to examine my impulses, motives, actions and words. This helps me to correct the causes of my own unease and not blame it on others.

If you cannot make yourself what you would like to be, how can you expect to have another person exactly to your wishes? We want to see others perfect, yet our own faults go unattended.

 

We may have thought we were beaten, but we had merely forgotten that God has given us the strength and the means to hold up our heads and live.

We learn once more to identify ourselves with the Divine Principle that rules us all.

The sure knowledge that God is always with me, and expresses Himself through me, will guide me in every difficulty.

Let me add a spiritual dimension to my life; then I will never be alone in dealing with whatever troubles may appear.

We cannot recognize in ourselves the faults we criticize in others.

Have I been trying to live the Al-Anon program? Then I must surely be learning to overcome any tendency to control others—the directing, scheming and manipulating that can only result in my own defeat.

I will not interfere with the activities of the alcoholic or watch over him, counsel him, or assume his responsibilities.

He must have the same freedom to make his own decisions as I have, since he must suffer for them if they are wrong.

Perhaps I have felt I had a right and an obligation to set the standards for the family and compel those around me to live up to them. In Al-Anon we learn a better way.

I sit on a man’s back, choking him and making him carry me, and yet assure myself and others that I am very sorry for him and wish to ease his lot by all possible means—except by getting off his back.

We do not come to Al-Anon—or should not—to look for pity.

We should not expect the other members to assure us that our resentments are justified or that we ought to take aggressive action.

Indeed, we learn to resist aggression from others by maintaining our dignity and poise.

We come to believe, quite mistakenly, that we’re the only people in the world with real trouble!

I learn I must use this power, not to change the alcoholic over whom I am powerless, but to overcome my own distorted ideas and attitudes.

If I can bring sunshine into our home, it cannot fail to affect those in it.

Instead of crying over what I don’t have, and wishing my life were different, what am I doing with what I’ve got?

Am I so sure I’m doing everything possible to make my life a success?

Am I using my capabilities well?

Do I recognize and appreciate all I have to be grateful for?

Actually I am the possessor of unlimited resources. The more I do with them, the more they will grow, to overshadow and cancel out the difficult and painful aspects that now get so much of my attention.

Isn’t my life full of potential good that I’m not using? Couldn’t I bring it to fruition by changing my attitude?

As a beginning, I will apply liberal amounts of gratitude for even my littlest advantages and pleasures.

When I build on this precious foundation of present, tangible good, things will continue to change for the better.

“God make me grateful for all the good things I have been taking for granted.”

 

If I have been given the gift of a good, clear memory, how do I use it? It isn’t likely that God conferred this gift on me for the purpose of dredging up old wrongs, injured feelings, futile regrets and personal sufferings. That would clearly be a misuse of His gift, when everyone has so many pleasant and satisfying things to remember.

What am I doing with this precious ability to recall what happened in the past? If I use it to remember enjoyments and interesting experiences, it will give me a saving perspective on the problems I am encountering in the here and now.

I can also use the gift of memory for storing up today’s blessings to tide me over future woes.

“Let not thy thoughts dwell upon the days of thy sorrows, but rather on those which brought thee brightness and peace.”

“I’ve often wondered, when I start a battle with my husband, how I’d feel if somebody were making a tape recording of what I was saying and the tone of voice I was using to say it. I’d be screeching and shouting like a fish wife.”

If I am challenged by an angry person, I will respond quietly or not at all.

When an Al-Anon member undertakes to give advice, it is important to remember that it should be limited to helping the other person in terms of spiritual growth. There is danger in going beyond this and advising action to be taken. None of us have the right to do this.

Sometimes a frustrated neurotic gives advice that stirs up hostility between a man and wife. She may make the situation much worse by justifying the wife’s resentment. Promoting such resentments can have serious consequences. So, too, can urging her to “stand up for her rights” or “not to allow this or that.”

She is getting unconscious satisfaction from managing other people’s lives, while she imagines her intentions are only good.

Heaven protect me from my good friends who, with only the best intentions, keep the wounds of my resentment open, weaken me by their pity, and justify my complaints. In the name of doing good, they can hamper my restoring a tolerant and loving relationship with my family.

“We must not be easy in giving credit to every word and suggestion, but carefully and leisurely weigh the matter according to God.”

I pray for the wisdom not to involve myself with the personal lives and beliefs of others, and to help them only by means of Al-Anon principles.

 

A good way to “get out from under” some of our daily problems is to stop reacting to everything that occurs. Some of us have a constant drive to do something about everything that happens, everything that someone says to us.

There is a time to act, of course. But the action should be based on careful thinking out of the factors. It should not be triggered by every wind that blows.

When something displeases us, it isn’t a threat to our lives, our safety, or anything important. If we keep it in perspective, it will help us to “let it go.”

I will try to overcome my tendency to react to what people say or do.

I can’t know why they do it, because I cannot understand their inner unhappiness and compulsions, any more than they can understand mine.

When I react, I put the control of my peace of mind in the hands of others.

My serenity is under my control, and I will not relinquish it for trivial occurrences.

A member speaks in a meeting: “I keep trying to get my point across to him but nothing I say seems to penetrate.”

Another member answers: “Perhaps when we can’t get our views across to the alcoholic, or anyone else, it is time to consider whether the point we are trying to make is really valid. Could it be that it isn’t right or reasonable or that our determination to ‘get the point across’ is being used at the wrong time? Are we making allowances for the other person’s right to a different point of view?”

We often hear it said in Al-Anon that the Twelve Steps are a way of life, not only in coping with the problems of alcoholism, but in everything else. We have only to replace the word “alcohol” with the name of the problem which confronts us.

I do have a power, a God-given one, and that is power over my own mind, emotions and reactions. If I exercise that power wisely, the problems outside of me will work out without my interference.

Before Al-Anon, I did everything I could think of to manage the life of my spouse. Yet I was demonstrating every day that I could not even manage my own!

If I try to govern another person’s life, I will fail.

We have ourselves to change …

The answer came: “I am not, as you say, putting up with it. I am trying to correct my own faults, keep my mouth shut when I am tempted to yell and scream at him, and keep hands off his problems. You see, I never want to forget that I have a commitment to my husband. I want to live up to that commitment which I made, willingly and solemnly, when I married him.”

Any marriage made in expectation of lifelong bliss and freedom from care is bound to bring us to some shocking realizations that life just isn’t like that.

An adult point of view recognizes that alcoholism and its train of troubles is only one of the disasters that can happen to a marriage. We would face others with courage; why not this?

The commitment to the person we married demands that we do everything we can to correct our problems.

It is vital to my serenity to separate, in my mind, the sickness of alcoholism from the person who suffers from it.

When something or somebody is giving me trouble, let me see the incident in relation to the rest of my life, especially the part that is good, and for which I should be grateful. A wider view of my circumstances will make me better able to deal with all difficulties, big and little.

I will not clutter up my thoughts with resentment; it would not profit me but, worse it would hurt me.

“Why do we accept things that trouble us, when we could do something about them?”

One of our delusions is that we, as spouses of alcoholics, are “running the show.”

 This is the best reason for detaching our minds and our emotions from the minute-by-minute conflict and seeking a peaceful, orderly way of life within ourselves.

If we stop fighting out every incident that happens, absence of an active adversary is bound to bring about wholesome changes in the home environment and everyone in it.

I will not try to outwit or outmaneuver anyone else, but will proceed quietly to live my life so I will have less reason for self-reproach.

I will withdraw my mind from what others do, and think of what I am doing.

I will not react to challenging words and actions.

“When you are offended at any man’s fault, turn to yourself and study your own failings. Then you will forget your anger.”

After we have been trying to use the Al-Anon program for a while, one thing becomes clear: we can get unlimited benefits from changing our way of thinking.

What would happen if we stopped blaming anyone for anything?

I will not blame him. I will not blame anybody. I will not blame myself.

We can free ourselves from many involvements that seem necessary.

In Al-Anon we can learn to develop our own personalities, to reinforce our personal freedom by leaving others free to control their actions and destinies.

[Humility] used to seem servile. Today it means seeing myself in true relation to my fellow man and to God.

I wanted to get inside his brain and turn the screws in what I thought was the right direction. It took me a long time to realize that this was not my job. I just wasn’t equipped for it. None of us are.

So I began to turn the screws in my own head in the right direction.

If thou canst not make thyself such a one as thou wouldst, how canst thou expect to have another according to thy liking?

We learn that our own reactions to the alcoholic situation have not been reasonable

What I learn from the negative comments can be useful in opening my mind to my own wrong thinking.

It is the disease of not listening … that I am troubled with.